Monday, March 21, 2016

Maple Oat Pecan Scones

I'm shocked I haven't posted this recipe yet. Scones are magical little hunks of carbs that combine my great loves of biscuits and sugar. This recipe is a good one.

FACT: Starbucks used to sell a very similar scone.
FACT: I ate them truly every chance I got, even though it was plainly marked that each scone was over 400 calories.
FACT: I wrote an email to Starbucks when they discontinued the scone, and after receiving a generic and impersonal reply, went on my own personal, emotional journey to reach the conclusion that I'm better off without easy access to these scones.

...but now I can make them myself, and I don't plainly indicate any calorie information, and I say if you want a scone, you should eat one. The Scots would want it that way. They are pretty into scones, right?

I recently started a new (dream) job! So, I brought these scones to ingratiate myself to my coworkers and mostly because I'm finding a lot of joy in getting up early and completing an entire activity before going to work. This will probably wear off... hasn't yet! As of now, I'm relishing in a routine, even if it's an early one. I love control so much!

I haven't had a lot of weird jobs, but I've... done some weird things for money?

- When I was little, my mom would pay me 25 cents to give her a backrub. In my first badass girlboss move to really make a statement about what I was worth, I asked for (and received!) a 100% raise to 50 cents per backrub.

- My ex boyfriend paid me to write his cover letter. This is initially sad, but when you unpack it, it becomes even more depressing. "I am great at building and maintaining relationships," I wrote, as him, between my tears and verbal outbursts of "Lies!!"

- I was once hired to teach improv to a group of kids -- ranging in age and general demeanor -- at a family reunion. Not my family reunion. A stranger family's reunion that apparently needed to culminate with a shortform improv show featuring random cousins, age 5-17, in a small Lutheran college's auditorium. To highlight how far I was able to get with this group in the few hours I was given, I'm pretty sure the performance consisted ONLY of zip-zap-zop. *Maybe* freeze-tag, but honestly, I don't even think scenework was attempted.

- Obviously, I babysat several teachers' kids, while I was still a student. One time, in Jr. High, I fell asleep on my Geography teacher's couch. Crazy that it was the most mortifying thing to happen to me during Jr. High? 

- I don't mean to brag, but I used to be a pretttttty damn good 8-year-old rollerblader. Sure, I did it mostly in my parents' empty 2-car garage with a drain slope in the middle. Sure, it was mostly smooth blading in one direction, with a few crossovers when necessary. But I really believe if Shania Twain had the chance to see my choreographed routine to "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under," things would've been different. Regardless, my overconfidence and love of organization drove me to spearhead "rollerblading lessons" for the kids in my neighborhood. I made flyers with the little tear-offs on the bottom. I promised every child who completed my curriculum would receive a plastic rollerblade keychain. Kids signed up, lives were changed, I made everyone skate to Deanna Carter's "Strawberry Wine" -- a song about losing your virginity to an older man on your grandpa's farm.

When I said I did weird things for money, you thought I was going to admit to being a sex worker, didn't you? Wouldn't that be amazing? If I was a former sex worker who now baked scones? Sorry. I get called "ma'am" waaaaay too often to be an awesome sex worker.

Maple Oat Pecan Scones


2 3/4 cup flour
1/2 cup oats, either finely chopped or ground in a food processor (if you're fancy)
1/3 cup sugar
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 cup cold butter, cubed
1/2 cup chopped pecans
3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1 egg
1 teaspoon maple extract

4 cups powered sugar
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
2 tablespoons butter, melted
2 tablespoons brewed coffee
2 teaspoons maple extract

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Sift together the flour, oats, sugar, and baking powder.
Using a pastry cutter or two forks (or whatever you have -- it's really not my business), work the cubed butter into the dry ingredients until there are little butter crumbs. You're not going to feel like it's the right consistency, but that's scones fer ya!
Add the pecans and mix well.
Add the whipping cream, egg, and maple extract. This mixture nearly broke my probably-for-decoration-only Anthropologie whisk, so be warned. At this point, you might want to just use your hands to combine the ingredients. This is going to feel far from perfect -- you can expect to have a dough ball with some dry mixture that just won't mix. That's fine. You're okay.
Flour the hell out of your clean counter, and dump that dough ball, etc. onto it.
Depending on your desired scone shape, work the dough into a circle or rectangle that is about 3/4 in. thick. 
Cut into triangles or circles or squares or stars or the likeness of your significant other. I did triangles. Boring!
Bake on a greased or parchment-papered baking sheet for about 22 minutes.
Cool! Cool? Cool.
Meanwhile, combine the powdered sugar, whipping cream, melted butter, coffee, and maple extract. This should feel like icing-consistency. If it's too thin, add powdered sugar. Too thick, add heavy whipping cream. Have some fun accidentally making way too much icing as you keep overcompensating!
Drizzle the icing over the scones, and top with a few classy pecans. Look how classy you are with that chopped nut garnish! Look at you go!

You know how I feel about these scones. I know I'm not alone. Get on board. They are sweet and hearty and you will get credit for making them instead of Starbucks.

Happy baking!